Eclipsed by Hunger by Jessica Binkley

Feed Me
By Erika Nichols-Frazer
Casper Press 2022
224 pages

Erika Nichols-Frazer’s memoir, Feed Me eases the reader into an up-close journey of what happens when a young girl’s relationship to food, a body’s nourishment, is interrupted. As Nichols-Frazer’s character grows, we get the sense that nothing is wrong, yet something is deeply wrong as she quietly stuffs away hunger pains. She hides feelings of neglect and abandonment that manifest in a hunger strike, further distancing her from her mother and father. A theme of self-abandonment, a mirroring of her emotional neglect turned inward spirals its way through Feed Me’s chapters. The internal war described as “the good wolf versus the bad wolf” shows up at pivotal points in her journey, a relatable feeling.

We follow the main character through childhood and into early adulthood, winding through breakups, school settings, family life, all while witnessing mental health wax and wane during each season. Nichols-Frazer, a young girl, suffered a thousand tiny cuts. No single wound hemorrhaged, but a thousand lashes of self-disapproval led to self-neglect, which manifested in anorexia, further complicating her battle with mental health.

Nichols-Frazer’s relationship with her mother felt cool and casual. Her mother’s coldness seemed to draw a line between them that could not be broached even when her mother attempted to be supportive, like on their college campus tour together, a time that makes the reader root for them.

Then there was the drinking, the nonchalant binging of alcohol that led to a serious injury for her mother. Both needed guidance and love and yet both kept each other at arm’s length. So many moments lost where an opportunity to grow closer only separated them further. The line “fear of becoming the thing we dislike in our parents” was relatable. We all claim we will never become those things, in this case a drinker like her mother. Which Nichols-Frazer stayed true to. It was admirable she did not numb her experiences with alcohol. Her level of denial at some points, her desire to “push through” teetered on the edge of self-abuse but despite it all Nichols-Frazer leaves the reader in awe at her ability to carry on.

Each chapter is titled after a food, something delightfully woven through the book. It is easy to love how Nichols-Frazer uses the titles to open up about a new life experience. How she was able to show times where food was a comfort and others when it was a source of pain. Like when her mother took an interest in helping her learn to cook after announcing at the dinner table “I am a vegetarian” when she was young.

As I read on, her brother had such a brief mention. It left me wondering what their feelings were toward each other. Often, I forgot she had a brother. I kept hoping that how Nichols-Frazer felt would surface in her younger years, but we skipped from happening to happening. She bounced like a pinball from grandparents’ homes to schools and we get a brief glimpse of her time in an inpatient facility for anorexia. It was clear she wanted to continue to move forward, no matter what. The pacing felt natural, and the ebb and flow draws the reader to each new chapter.

During her residency, when she felt herself “falling apart,” my favorite line read (I wrote on a sticky note to remember) “if you ever need to throw rocks at the world.” How perfect. Every step of this woman’s journey, despite the stumbles, was met with a supportive person. First when navigating her eating disorder, then later when dealing with the symptoms and complications of bipolar disorder. Dylan, her husband, came into the story early on and despite all their issues, it seems they came together and had a loving and supportive relationship.

To write this raw first-person experience of your own to be read, known, and talked about takes guts. I applaud Nichols-Frazer and the courage it took to create this book; one that no doubt will resonate deeply with many women writers. When her battle with taming bipolar symptoms hit its peak, readers worry she might not make it with Dylan. It was a happy surprise to read about their trips together to New Orleans and then Greece. What beautiful opportunities to share experiences and grow together. Rarely do we find these types of happy endings. Suffice it to say, the ending is refreshing.

A large part of eating disorders is what the author describes as “not being enough”. Controlling feelings and internal storms by controlling the shape of the body and the feeling of hunger is at the heart of Feed Me and is a common theme among similar books. Elena Vanishing, by Elena Dunkle cowritten with her mother, Clare Dunkle, also involves a young girl and her experiences with anorexia and a recovery that was possible with inpatient therapy and her mother’s support.

How to Disappear Completely, is Kelly Osgood’s memoir revealing her struggle with anorexia at age fifteen as a patient in a treatment facility. The clear theme of wanting to disappear, to be invisible, shows up through all the memoirs of anorexia mixed with a feeling of not being enough. Though they all happen during different time periods and with their own unique details, one thing is certain: young women who struggle with food are not rare. Each tells a story of deeply seated emotional and or physical trauma.

I recommend reading Nichols-Frazer’s memoir Feed Me, for the firsthand account of how life can appear fine on the outside, but internally a war can rage and ravage a young girl’s body. How as young as thirteen a sharp desperation for control and lack of self-worth can stunt hormonal changes and require calorie counting by a stern nurse. We have either been the young girl or know a young girl whose delicate sense of self worth in one way or another has been affected by emotional or physical trauma, waging an internal war this author had the courage to share. Feed Me is for women and people who love women seeking a glimpse into the complex interiority of need and love.

Jessica Binkley is a native of Georgia where she lives with her sons and goofy pack of dogs. She teaches knitting as a form of art-based trauma therapy to women. She mainly writes female-led fiction and nonfiction work that leans heavily into the experiences of women. She holds an MFA from Southern New Hampshire University. Learn more about her novel-in-progress at www.jessicabinkley.com.