Hospice Admission by Tessa Pagones
Immediately preceding this admission, where was the patient?
At home, in her own bed.
At home, in the bed her husband set up on the first floor.
At home, hearing her doctor say she was not
a candidate for the clinical trial after all.
At home, learning that eleven-month survival was optimistic,
or that month one was earlier than anyone knew.
Was the patient screened for pain?
When she cried for her husband,
when she cried for her mommy and daddy,
when she cried
but no tears filled her eyes or ran down her cheeks.
Half moon scar on her head, one hand grasping,
one hand limp, mouth turned half up, half down,
Thalia and Melpomene in one mask.
Was the patient/responsible party asked about preference regarding hospitalization?
She prefers no hospitalization, she prefers to be home.
She prefers no glioblastoma, she prefers before.
She prefers to retire next year, she prefers to travel.
She prefers to hear her daughter sing.
She prefers to go to her son’s graduation.
She prefers to have some say in the matter.
Was the patient/responsible party asked about preferences regarding life-sustaining treatments?
First she wanted them all: the surgery, radiation,
chemotherapy, targeted hormone treatment.
Sustaining life, prolonging life, allowing life:
enough life to be one of the exceptions,
enough life for a cure,
enough life to be enough life,
Then she asked for a gun.
Was the patient and/or caregiver asked about spiritual/existential concerns?
She followed all the rules I did not follow and I am the one still here.
Artist’s Statement
I write to understand what I think and feel. If I can’t put words to my feelings, I find it hard to identify the feelings themselves. It’s often not till I get to the end of a piece that I understand what I think about the topic, or even what exactly the topic is. The form my writing takes – prose or poetry, grief or humor, structured or stream of consciousness – is driven by the underlying feeling and the ease with which I can express it. I delight in – though I am always surprised by – the shared experience or feelings or thoughts of readers. I understand animals more readily than humans, including myself, so animals and nature are the springboards for much of my work.
Tessa Pagones spent 25 nonconsecutive years getting a B.S. in Animal Science and then realized she loves animals enough to not work in that field. She has held many roles that include the word “manager,” including horse farm manager, Rotisserie Baseball statistics service manager, network and database manager, and currently information technology project manager. She believes that her first job, shoveling manure in exchange for the opportunity to ride horses, prepared her well for all of her career choices. Tessa is a cat person turned dog lover, and she writes about dogs, cats, horses, family, life, and death. She lives in Westminster, Maryland with her spouse, 3 horses, 3 dogs and one cat.